I wanna come back to last week before I
move forward 'cause I recorded that month
seven check-in in a really raw place.
I remember saying at the time that I
knew that there would be a chance, I'd
feel completely different about the whole
thing by the time it actually aired.
And that's exactly what happened.
Within a day or two of
recording, two things really
came into focus that I didn't.
Have when I sat down to
originally record the episode,
every journey starts with
a choice and mine is a bet.
For one year.
I'm gambling on energy over strategy.
No more forcing and no pushing.
Just the courage to show up.
And see what happens when
reality becomes my playground.
This isn't a podcast.
It's a real time experiment
in the lab of my life.
Welcome to the bet.
The first thing, first little lesson
that arrived from all of this.
In terms of launching useful thinking
and feeling like nobody noticed it was
that I recognize that I have a pattern
that has been running my whole life.
I have seen it in other areas, but
I didn't realize how much of a.
Vacuum.
When you have a pattern for something, it
is like it creates this vacuum that just
attracts something to fill that void.
Or it's almost like you've got a puzzle
going on that's missing one piece.
And so it's constantly looking
for how to fit that narrative
into that piece of your puzzle.
So in, in my case, the pattern is
I don't get to have the same things
that everyone else gets to have.
I just don't, if things don't
get to work out for me the way
they work out for other people.
And it's really tied back to my
childhood, like most patterns, right?
And I watched myself in like real
time, take the silence around
the useful thinking launch and
slot it right into that pattern.
Like I was making that be the missing
puzzle piece of see like I'm doing all
this work, I'm creating all of this
stuff, but I don't get to have the
same results that other people have.
So I was really actually very grateful
to see that because I think if I
hadn't recorded how I was feeling when
I was in that raw emotional space.
I probably would have not processed it.
It would've just kind
of been buried in there.
And I would've moved along until
the emotions flowed through me and
I wouldn't have made the connection.
And the second thing I saw is the
reaching of the goal is never,
never, never about the goal.
It's always about who
you became to get there.
Who did you have to become to
actually realize that goal?
And the truth is no one, no one else in
this entire world, not even my husband
who sees me every single day, no one
else can ever know what that feels like.
I am the only person who knows every
decision I've had to make, every thought
I've had to navigate every choice,
every action, every mistake, all of it.
I'm the only one who knows all of that.
I know this, I teach this.
I have built so much of my work
around this yet I was still
surprised at how small my actual
milestone moment felt to me.
I was still surprised by that.
It was like literally the moment
just came and like nothing.
And I think when we hit these major
goals that we've set for ourselves.
Part of us like expects, because
we know everything, we've
invested into that, right?
We expect these glitter bombs to go off
and angelic music, to surround us and
just, you know, fireworks and unicorns
and all of these sparkling amazing
fanfare and none of it was there.
I literally could not distinguish
that day from any other day
other than I hit publish.
On a keyboard and something
went out into the universe.
So that's really like the deepest layer
of what I was trying to say last week.
You know that we don't really heal
these parts of us that want the
recognition and the reward and the
validation and the external like proof.
Yeah, you did this.
We don't heal those parts of ourselves,
we just reach deeper layers of them.
So.
I continue to program myself to program
my mindset to fall in love with the
journey, fall in love with the journey,
fall in love with waking up every
single day to do my daily curriculum
of my life, because the destination is
gonna just be over like that, right?
And the journey never ends.
So if I don't love the journey.
The destination will always disappoint me.
Okay, so now I'm gonna
pivot, wrap that up.
Those are my lessons that I
extracted from that moment.
But I'm gonna tell you about something
else that's going on this week because I
feel like if I don't talk about this, then
I'm actually not doing what this podcast
is here to do because there has been a
very loud voice in my head this week.
It sounds like, why are you
continuing to record the bet?
Why are you still doing this?
You've got your content planned, dialed
in, you're rolling along, you're gonna
just show up and talk about whatever's
happening in your life every week.
Like this is really self-indulgent.
You are thinking about what you are
gonna say every week, way too much,
putting way too much energy into this.
No one gives a shit about any of this.
I don't mean that in a bad
way, but it's like, honestly.
How is this contributing
to anyone else's life?
Right?
Like you should just be spending
your time on other things.
This is what I'm telling myself.
I should just be spending
my time on other things.
Why am I even doing
this every single week?
Why didn't I just do like monthly
episodes that capture everything
over a month when I do the check-ins?
And then I started thinking, you
never even finished that podcast tour.
That you spent all
those episodes planning.
I had totally forgotten about that.
Remember that back in, I dunno,
it was like November of last year.
I never even finished that project.
It's still sitting there.
I haven't written out the, the
plan that needed to go with it.
And I think that's because I
talked myself outta doing that.
'cause it's not like
I'm some big celebrity.
I don't have a million
Instagram followers.
I am not being interviewed on TV shows.
I'm just like talking into a microphone
in my car half the time about my own
inner world and my own inner life.
And I'm putting it out
there as if people care.
Trying to like capture all of
the voices that have been going
through my head this week.
And they are louder than normal.
So very loud this week.
And the thing is.
I keep having to return to this.
In my mind, it's such a mind
fuck because this podcast is
not about helping other people.
That is not the purpose of this podcast.
It is literally my live
documentation in the lab of my
life, my life as an experiment.
And when you're running
experiments, you have to document
what variables you change.
What decisions you make, what
outcomes you get, you measure.
That's the whole premise, but
I cannot pretend that I don't
know people are listening.
Part of the reason I'm doing this
is because I do know people are
listening and it really helps keep me
accountable to keep moving forward.
But it also, even though I don't
want it to, it adds a layer
of a little bit of pressure.
That maybe I have to perform in
some way or I have to keep you
guys entertained on some level.
Like this is the way the ego works.
But here's what I keep coming back to.
I, and I know this 'cause
this is what I study.
My brain would not be yapping at
me like this if I weren't pushing
the edges of my own comfort zone.
There would be no need for
all of this mental noise.
If I was operating and humming
along as if I always do.
Okay, so the looping is the evidence.
The looping is the sound of my
brain asking me, Hey, are you
really gonna keep going with this?
Because if you do, I am going to
have to literally expand my physical
structure, like we're gonna have to
build some kind of new mental network.
This is taking a lot of effort,
lot of effort, and I would really
rather you just stay and park your
ass over here in this other comfort
zone that I know works for you.
That's the only reason the brain is piping
up right now and the voices are piping up.
It only shows up at the
edge of a new level.
If I were not stretching.
I wouldn't be hearing this.
So even though I am embarrassed to
come on here many times and talk
about this, it literally feels like.
Self-indulgent is really the kind
of the phrase I keep returning to.
Like people are gonna think I'm so
important that I'm doing a podcast on
this and it's embarrassing, or I get
embarrassed about thinking about people
hearing me go on and on like this, right?
I'm really going deep into
explaining all of the thought
processes I've had, but even if the
loudest voice in my head right now.
Is, no one cares about this shit, Laura.
No one needs to hear this.
Okay, that is fine.
That's actually amazing because the point
is not whether anyone needs to hear this.
The point is that I am choosing
to lead myself over the course
of a year and document it.
Okay?
So just by doing that, just
by showing up week after week.
And documenting it.
I am already doing what
most people won't do.
And I don't mean most
people won't do a podcast.
I mean, staying in the game.
Most people don't stay in the
game and that is the only way you
win the, whatever your game is.
Most people bail.
So that's what I'm
telling myself right now.
Which brings me to where my inner
work, my energetic work, is moving.
What I really wanna document, because
like I said, my content engine is in
a groove now, I literally hum with
excitement when I finish working on
a podcast episode for Useful Thinking
or my weekly substack article.
I am just in love with
making that content.
Everything is kind of in this rhythm now.
Everything's feeling really alive for me.
I love, love, love, love
my coaching clients.
Um, it's just like I'm
in love with my life.
Okay, so I have this system down.
Now I've got a routine down for
producing things that are really
directed by my inner most intention,
which is to help other people.
They're full of my care and my
thought full of energy that I am
really proud to put my name on.
And then I notice that while I'm
producing all of this thoughtful,
intentional content, I am also walking
around the rest of my week spending
my words in a way that does not match.
The way I am putting my words out there
in my content, I don't know if that
makes sense, but what I mean is I feel
like I'm knitting this beautiful blanket
between useful thinking and substack,
and then I can see in the words coming
out of my mouth while I'm at work, or
while I'm having interactions with other
people, not coaching calls, but mostly
at work or maybe at home as well, or
in my friendships and my relationships.
I hear words coming out of my mouth.
That are just pulling all the threads
out of what I've been working on.
It's not like I'm out
there spreading evil words.
That's not what I'm saying.
I wanna be clear, but I'm really
not taking the care and intention
with the words I'm speaking that
I do when I am writing or when I
am producing a podcast episode.
Maybe not this one so much 'cause
this is way more impromptu.
But my useful thinkings or episodes
are really like intentionally
thought out and planned.
And there is great care with
every word that I write or
speak in those two avenues.
So to then watch myself conduct my
life being loose and inconsistent
and reckless sometimes.
With my own words.
I'm noticing that in my conversations
with colleagues, maybe I am validating
someone else's complaints about
another person or about a situation.
It's not necessarily gossiping, but it
is contributing more evidence to the
frustration that they're bringing to me so
that I can help them feel better about it.
Right?
I'm joining in.
Something because I think it's
gonna help them in some way.
I'm adding fuel to the fire that I
didn't even light, but I'm standing
right there with them, like putting my
hands by the fire, throwing some twigs
on there, and every time I'm doing
that, this has been something I've been
wanting to work on for a long time.
I think I've actually talked about
it in several episodes, is really
being a guardian of my words, and
I don't wanna call it hypocritical.
Because that's not really what the
brain is doing, and that's not a
helpful or useful way to think about it.
But our words are so powerful, and
so I really, really, really want to
turn my internal work, the work I'm
documenting here on this podcast,
into feeling the weight and the
meaning of each word as they come out.
Because words are, they're
not just communication.
Language and the words we
speak, they are vehicles.
They are the moment they really represent,
I should say, the moment that energy
actually leaves the inside of you and
becomes something physical in the world.
If you look at human design like
energy grafts, the throat center
is the manifestation center.
All energy in the body
flows toward the throat.
Where we, where we literally speak things
or communicate things into existence.
So I'm going to be paying attention,
much closer attention to my words.
Thoughts are like the interior, they're
the ingredients and the recipes, and
yes, they are powerful, but speaking
them makes them real because thoughts
are something that you can sit with.
Rearrange and untangle and reshape and
reconsider and toss back and forth, right?
They're, they're malleable, but
once a word leaves your mouth,
it has done work somewhere.
It has created an impact.
It has moved and connected
to energy somewhere.
Okay?
A word that you speak or
write has built something.
Somewhere, or it has taken
something apart somewhere.
I think words can either
build or they can destroy.
And the irony here is not lost on me.
This is my career.
This is my literal career.
I research language.
I have built my work around studying
language acquisition and language
development, and I love working
with clients on the exact wording.
Of the things that they're
working on in their lives.
I have built my work around the
belief that everyone deserves to be
able to communicate who they are.
Self-expression is one of my actual
core values, yet I am still treating
at times my own daily speech as
though it doesn't count, right?
It's separate from all of that.
Only of the things I record and
put out there actually count, but
they all count all the words we
speak, count every one of them.
So this is what I'm really focused on.
This is what I'm doing right now.
Every morning when I wake up, I am
telling myself, Laura, you are the
steward of your words and your energy.
That is the intention I'm setting
before anything else happens in the day.
And then I am letting as much
as I can each individual day.
Be its own test.
Rather than thinking I gotta
maintain some kind of streak.
I like viewing it as a day.
I wake up to, it's a brand new curriculum
and the curriculum ends when I go to bed
at night, and then the slate is wiped
clean and we have a new day arrive.
So in the moment before I speak, I
am also trying to add a small pause,
just a quick pause to ask myself.
What is my intent for saying this thing?
What is my actual intent
behind the words themselves?
I'm really good at doing this
when I write and when I have a, a
presentation to give or a talk to
give or a podcast episode to record.
I really get clear on what my
intention is, or when I'm doing
a coaching session, we get really
clear on what the intention is.
So I'm trying to do that in
micro moments before I speak.
Is the purpose of what I'm gonna
say to make a connection somehow?
Is it to provide necessary information?
Is it to heal something?
Do I need to repair something here?
Is it to grow, to stretch, or to expand?
Is it to support someone else?
Is it to build someone else up or
to contribute to building a concept
or an idea together with someone?
Is it to give energy?
Is it to be vulnerable?
To be in a place where I
would otherwise clam up?
Anything that gives the word it's
job description, so to speak, before
I speak it is what I'm trying to do.
Just setting that intention, I
think does at least 50% of the work.
I'll tell you this, this is driving my
husband Mike Little Bananas right now
because when I'm communicating with
him, it's slowing everything down.
I am having to like explain to him.
Before I tell you this, I just wanna
tell you what my intention behind it is.
And he's like, oh my God, can you
just get to the fucking point?
And I'm like, just be patient.
Be patient.
I need you to hear the intention, not
because I'm worried about you, but because
I'm really training my brain to think
about the intention before I speak it.
So today I was like proactively telling
him, I'm gonna tell you something.
That a prior version of me might
have said in a very judgmental way,
so I can totally understand if when
you hear these words, you might
connect it to that version of me.
But I'm gonna share something I've been
thinking about in terms of this situation
you're going through, and I just want
you to know that my intention is to
communicate this, to let you know that
whatever you decide to do, whether I
agree with it or I don't agree with it.
You have my complete respect
because I want you making your
own decisions autonomously.
I don't want you thinking, I'm
trying to control you in any way.
He's like, oh my God, what are you
about to, you about to break up with me?
I made this huge like intentional
statement before I actually told him what
it was, and then he was, he was laughing.
He was like, I don't know how much
longer I can hear all this, but truly
this is how I'm training my brain.
And I know it's a little
bit awkward right now.
It's like driving a car
in manual when you're just
learning how to shift the gears.
But the more I do it, then
I'm automatically just setting
that intention before I speak.
You know?
And I told him it's not always gonna
be like, 'cause he was looking at me
like, do we really have to do this
every time you wanna say something?
And I'm like, yeah, right now
the answer for that is yes.
So that Laura in six weeks is efficient.
With thinking about all of the
words she's speaking, not just the
quote unquote professional words.
Like everything I speak,
I want to be intentional.
I am training my attention
to focus on this right now.
'cause I'm building a new circuit
and new circuits are awkward.
They're gonna be slower.
So that is the work this week.
That's what I'm all about.
And I think that's actually the
whole bet underneath the bet here.
Like, what am I doing with this time?
What am I doing with this year?
I'm actually actively trying to build
my own container, my own like energetic
circuitry to be able to hold all of
the power that I am here to hold.
That's what I'm documenting.
There you go.
I'm gonna, I am gonna have a big chance
to practice this too, because I'm
gonna be at a wedding later this week.
I'm gonna be seeing some of my
girlfriends, so there will be lots
of words coming outta my mouth.
Hopefully I'll be a little bit smoother
with my intention setting before I see
them all, but that's what I'm up to.
And sending everyone out there
who is listening so much love you
have my full respect for being
in the game of your life as well.
A go bet on yourself.