Welcome to this week's bet.
So it's Monday, June 8th.
I just got back from my morning walk.
If you hear Lala panting in the
background, that's what that's all about.
I was putting a lot of pressure on
myself yesterday to record this episode.
' cause I usually do it on Sundays and
I spent the day pretty much doing
nothing that I would normally do.
I did zero work yesterday.
Just for some context.
Today is my birthday, which feels
really weird saying publicly.
Really, really weird.
I'm not the kind of person who'd
be like, it's my birthday today,
this year is all about whatever.
which is really interesting to me as I'm
continuing to go into my visibility work.
I think I just realized what
my reel today is gonna be.
Should we talk about my birthday?
I am 50 fucking five years old, which.
Has been very difficult for me.
For whatever reason, that
number seems like a big one,
and I know it's been coming.
My husband is exactly to the
day six months older than me.
This is a crazy story.
So he was born December 8th.
I was born June 8th.
He was born.
On a new moon, and I didn't realize
this about moons, but like I guess
every New Moon has, its corresponding
full moon six months later.
So he was born on a new moon apparently
in Sagittarius, and I was born
on the full moon of Sagittarius.
So even though my Gemini Sun, I'm a
Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius rising.
I just told you my whole astrology now
you probably figured everything you need
to know that with being a manifesting
generator, it's a lot of energy.
Right.
Anyways, I always think that's
interesting 'cause he and I are.
Opposites in many, many ways.
And yet we are very, very
similar in many ways.
He has really, really, really been my
unconventional coach, like not my regular
coach that I turned to, but unconventional
coach with all this work I'm doing, he.
Is really stretching me to
show up differently this year.
So yeah, I'm gonna say it's my birthday.
What else did I wanna say about this?
Oh, yes.
So back to yesterday, I was feeling
all of this pressure to do my episode,
and I purposely told myself, you're not
gonna do anything in from that energy.
It's going to perpetuate that
energy that that life is a set of.
Obligations that you control.
And I'm not saying that there aren't
obligations in life, but I just
decided to test myself even though I
knew like today was gonna be a crazy
busy day at work and I had to get
this done before Tuesday morning.
'cause this, these launch
very early Tuesday morning.
All that pressure was building
yesterday, and I just had to trust
myself and say, no, the perfect thing
is gonna come through tomorrow morning.
I wasn't even thinking and tomorrow's your
birthday, which is a better day to record.
So out on my walk, walking around,
and I'm just thinking about, man,
I, I feel so good about being 55
for whatever reason, all the icky.
Feelings about claiming that age were
gone today and I, I just had this
overwhelming feeling of 55 years ago.
The universe declared that my.
Essence, my spirit, my unique
energetic makeup was going to be part
of the recipe of this world, of the
space that we all share together.
Like I got to be a part of that.
Even as I'm saying it now,
I'm getting really emotional.
I do not know why that's
making me so emotional.
And then I started thinking
about people who have near death
experiences and how lucky they are.
Those people who get taken
to the vantage point of this
very short life, truly ending.
What a gift that perspective
is and how can I live from that
perspective each and every day.
And it was a beautiful, beautiful walk.
So it was really, just grateful
that I decided to put off
the episode until today.
Another thing that came through
on this walk again, tied to
pressure is this feeling of.
Having to figure out what is
the right next move for me.
I think I've thought about this so many
times that I have trained my brain to
make this a very familiar problem that
it likes to pull out and think about.
So I, I really, truly want
to work on releasing that.
In my mind, I see two very
distinct kind of pathways I
could take with this business.
And they're very
dissimilar, I guess, for
lack of a better word.
They're not, they don't
seem related to me.
One is really, really focusing
all in on producing my Substack
and my podcast, and I've also.
Feel like there's something else wanting
to be birthed along those same lines.
I don't wanna put it out there yet because
, it's not a full baby ready to be born.
, And then my other path is I'm feeling
called to build a community and to
have weekly calls . I was thinking
about how I could revamp my curriculum,
irresistible mind curriculum , I could
really rework it Now that it's, you
know, it's probably three years old now.
There's a way to refine that and
I think I could make the lessons.
Shorter and more potent, and I see
a path of bringing people into that
work to do their daily training.
And then also like having more of a
community and a support system where I'm
in there doing group calls and answering
q and As and teaching and doing live
lectures and just making that path.
But that seems.
Like a lot of work.
Both of these seem like a
lot of work, to be honest.
Neither one sounds like,
oh, that's the easier path.
They both feel challenging.
One is very external, Really
focusing on building an external
community and visibility.
I guess they're both involving visibility
and then the other is just really
working in a solitary manner with
the exception of my private clients.
Is gonna be a part of
the world no matter what.
'cause I just love that.
So yeah, one of those paths seems more
external and one seems more internal,
and then there's this pressure of how do
I know which is the right path to take?
I don't know if any of you
relate to this, but when you.
Do this kind of development work, and
you see the payoff, like I see my life
getting better and better and better.
My relationship's just getting
better and better and better.
I'm truly really happy with the
life I've built and so it, it
very much motivates me to want to
continue to make sure that I am.
Living authentically and in
alignment with energetically
how I'm supposed to be living.
But that kind of focus on, I don't
wanna lose what I have creates this
whole mental loop of am I gonna make
the wrong decision, or what should I
be doing here when the gift of it all
is just release, release, release,
release, trying to control anything.
So what I was really focusing on my
walk today was I am 100% in my life.
I will wake up to that every day
and show up to my life 100%, and
I'm trusting the universe to put me.
on the path I want to, I need to be on.
I am literally relinquishing the
control of trying to make the decisions.
But even as I'm saying that, I'm like,
I'm not sure that's right for me.
I think part of my life's curriculum
is to learn how to make the
decisions and govern my own life.
I really do.
I'm gonna dip into my human design.
This whole birthday episode is all about
my, my personal charts I'm realizing.
But my main Sun Gate is Gate 45, which
is all about power holding resources.
Being the kind of the monarch, that
was the theme of my last week's
Substack two, like being rulership,
being here to rule over things,
which means having the discernment
to make these kinds of decisions.
And I look at my life from a very young
age, and I've always let other people
choose what was gonna happen to me.
That is a very distinct theme in my life.
Even my first marriage, when
I think of how I entered that,
it was somebody's picking me.
How good does that feel
that somebody wants me?
Instead of really thinking.
Is this what I want?
Do I want to be committed at
this level to another person?
At this point in my life, I was 22.
, didn't even occur to me to have
that conversation with myself.
So.
Yes, there's this part of me right
now that thinks I gotta surrender.
But there's also a part of me that
literally, I'm glad I'm talking
this out loud, 'cause this sounds
very different than it did in
my head, on my walk, on my walk.
It was just in my mind thinking about
it and in my heart, and it just felt
so free to surrender everything.
But as I'm actually
speaking the words here.
I'm feeling more called to say
that I am being asked to make the
decisions, to call the shots and
to take ownership of the choice.
I don't know what that lesson is.
Maybe the, the lesson is
be okay with being wrong.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is, but I, I
feel actually I'm being more called to
actually make the choice to free up.
I was talking with my friend yesterday
about another situation she's in and
she was like, I don't know when my
nervous system is gonna feel safe again.
And I was telling her, you're in pending
mode with your current situation.
You are in pending mode and as
long as you're in pending mode,
that is an unresolved loop.
So what can you do to close the loop?
Then your nervous system can ground.
This is a really advanced topic I'm
realizing, like when are we supposed
to let things play out organically
and when are we called to fucking
take the reins and make the decision?
That is my question
for the universe today.
Putting that out there, I would
like that answer for my birthday.
That would be the best
birthday gift ever, universe.
So let's just put that out there.
When, how do we know when is the
right time to call our own shots and
when we are supposed to surrender?
And maybe it has a lot to do with.
If I were teaching someone right
now, I would say, look at your
typical pattern and go against that.
Your medicine is always if you
want a different result, right?
There are some, some things we
wanna keep seeing more, exactly.
More of what we're already getting,
but when you want a different result.
The step to take is very often
the new one, the different one.
The the one where it's like,
okay, what would be the opposite
of what I would do here?
So very philosophical today.
So that's what I got from my birthday
episode and I'm really glad I waited.
I'm loving these little casual.
Fireside chats that I'm having
with you all and thank you.
Thank you for sharing this little moment
of time marking this moment with me.
The one thing I will
commit to is expansion.
Expansion.
How am I expanding what I am capable
of holding each and every day?
How am I capable of expanding my own self?
Because the universe is always expanding.
We are of the universe, and
what else am I gonna do?
What else am I gonna spend my time
doing if I am not expanding and growing?
So that's my weekly.
Download my weekly drop and
happiest birthday to me.
Let's see what this
next year has in store.
Sending everyone out there.
So much love and as
always, go bet on yourself.