Welcome to the Bet.
This is one of those episodes that
I'm literally having to just sit
down and do it before I chicken out
because I, I am really wanting to
document this, but this is one of those
things that's pretty private for me.
This is something that I
would normally just do.
In my own little private bubble,
I would absolutely be doing this
work and this process that I'm
gonna talk about here right now.
But I wouldn't be sharing
it with people necessarily.
However, I've committed to really
documenting my process this year, and
I am in a pattern that I am getting
more and more awareness about, and
so it deserves to be documented.
So I'm gonna do that.
Even though it feels like I'm
sharing a deeply personal part
of myself, so again, I am not
operating from any kind of script.
I don't have any notes that I wanna
refer to here, which is taking an
enormous amount of trust and faith in
myself right now because one of the.
Karmic lessons of my life, if you wanna
call it that, my life lessons, or in
Kabbalah, it's called your Tikkun.
T-I-K-K-U-N is releasing
the need to control this.
Need to control my outcomes.
I have done so much work on this.
You know how when you, you work on
something, especially if it's a wound or
a repeating pattern, and you feel like
you get to this new level with it and it
feels like you are operating in a space
that's now detached from that wound or
detached from that pattern, and then you
get to a new level of expansion, you get
to a new level of desires in your life,
you get to a new level of success or
visibility or possibility and potential.
And you start getting obstacles again
and you think, oh, it's not about control
'cause I've already worked through that.
It can't be about my core wounds
of feeling abandoned as a child or
feeling like I needed to earn approval
or earn love or feeling like I was
a burden to the people around me.
It can't possibly be that 'cause
I've already worked through that.
Well no, it's just those same.
Same, same, same patterns, same wounds,
coming back at a new level, a new level of
awareness and a new level of possibility
to move to the other side of them.
So I think that's what's
going on right now.
I have noticed.
A repeated awareness that
keeps showing up on my walks or
when I'm listening to things.
This same kind of theme has been
feeling like a little revelation
to me repeatedly this week.
And so that's what tells me this
is what we're working on right
now, and that is this feeling
of how do I wanna express this?
Okay, at my core.
At my soul level, like the seed of
why I am doing anything I do at all.
It is because I believe we are
all fragments and pieces of
the one like consciousness.
Okay.
If that makes sense.
You're me kind of people if you're like.
What the fuck?
Just go ahead and stop this episode
right now because I promise I will lose
you even more if we're not already on
the same page, but I believe we're all
a part of this greater consciousness,
and we each get a little spark of that
light that we get to play with and
reveal to the world in our own lives.
That is a purpose.
I believe our soul comes to this.
Existence within us with a purpose
to reveal that light, reveal
that spark within us in order to
rejoin the greater consciousness.
Okay.
Again, if I'm losing you, just
go ahead and skip this episode.
No hard feelings.
I actually prefer that.
, But I, I, I am gonna document this because
I think it's really, really good for me.
I already wanna stop, which
is a good indicator that I
need to keep going forward.
So yes, I have that belief that belief in
general guides my activities every day.
It guides the goals I set for myself.
It, it really like fires me up and
makes me think I've got this one
life to reveal my light to the world.
It makes me emotional
when I think about it.
I think that's my only job is to
take my light and build the vessel
and the container that allows it to
shine through, ? , I like to think
of, what other people will call God.
I do use the word God sometimes,
but I more think of it.
I like to think of God as the
creator, the creator of all things,
or the universe as the creator.
So I talk to the universe as the creator.,
It ties into my concept of
like how our energy works.
Like we all have a creator field,
that biomagnetic, bioelectrical
field that surrounds us, which
has been measured in science.
Okay, it's expandable and contractable
and we can see it move, that I call a
creator field because everything gets
created from that bioelectrical field.
Okay?
We are, that's how we attract
things to us, and that is how we
project our signal into the world.
So we're walking around
like these radio towers.
Making our signals and it
attracts the things that are
similar form to that signal.
And so I like to think of my life as
waking up every day to a, remove as much
static as I can from my personal signal so
that I'm super clear and crisp to attract.
The people and the opportunities and
the situations and the circumstances
and the synchronicities that are in
alignment with my actual creator field,
the things my soul is here to create.
Okay?
So that feels to me like
the purpose of my life.
Again,
I don't have to know whether or
not that's actually factually true.
I subscribe to what I
call useful thinking.
I don't know if anyone else
uses that term, but I coined it.
It's why I made the podcast
useful, thinking that thought
itself is super useful to me.
It helps me flush away all the crap that
tries to pull me away from my purpose,
what I feel like my purpose is, and so.
The trap lately that I have found myself
in, and I think I know a lot of people
like this too, when you care so much
about putting your signal out into
the world when you care so much about
making an impact, and I, I just care
so deeply that I actually accomplish
my goal of revealing my light and not
for any kind of sake of recognition.
I actually would prefer
not to be recognized.
. Yet, I'm willing to be as
visible as I need to be.
That that's kind of where I am with that.
But, so it's, it, it is not driven from
this feeling of, I've always wanted
to be famous or I've always wanted to
have a giant audience, or I don't know.
I, I do see myself with a big audience
on some level, but I don't know where
I'm going down a sidetrack here.
But when you're driven by this
really deep goal of wanting to
make an impact on other people.
And you feel like you're looking
at metrics that don't indicate
that it's a real mind fuck.
It can be anyway.
And that's where I've been in lately.
I am used to that mind.
Fuck.
It is a regular, like frequent
flyer thought that I have.
It is a, a ride I've been on many
times in the Disneyland of my head.
That this feeling of am I, if I wanna make
an impact and I'm not seeing the numbers
that I'm doing that, then what's the
point of doing it at all kind of thing.
So I feel like I've worked through that
level, but what I've noticed is this,
this whole consciousness that's been
coming into my awareness this week is I,
I made a post about it on Instagram too.
If you are doing something
from the energy of.
If I do this thing, if I give up, if I, if
I surrender and let go of this goal, let
go of this needing to control, let go of
this, having to have it show me this many
numbers here or this many downloads on
this, or this much growth on my substack.
If I let go of all of that, then that's
how I'm going to get all of that.
Does, does that make sense to you guys?
As I'm sharing that, when I had that
realization this week, I was like, holy
shit, I'm still trying to control my
outcomes by letting go of control, because
deep inside me, I'm like, oh, I can hear
my voice like cracking as I'm talking.
So clearly I'm hitting upon
an emotional truth here.
It's like, oh, if I can just
surrender that, then I'm gonna
get all these other things.
Which is no different than
doing all the things and trying
to get that same outcome.
It's still trying to control my outcome or
trying to perform or do all the steps or
be a good enough human or have done enough
of that inner work, hate that term, inner
work, , in order to get your final reward.
It's like, okay.
If I release everything, then
the creator has to bless me.
That's how I get my blessings,
and that's like a level 1, 0,
1 way of thinking about it.
When you really get to this, this layer
of what I'm working on here, it's like
I need to be willing to release the
need to have any indicator at all.
I know I've said this before, but
I'm realizing at a new layer like,
what if nobody listens to this?
Not this, but my other podcast
this as well, but this is
truly for my growth here.
What if nobody listens to useful thinking?
What if nobody follows my substack?
Like, what does that actually mean?
And it is so hard for me to detach
Not having that mean that I am still
not fulfilling my purpose in my life
because I really want to reveal my
light, but then it hit me, hit me just
this morning in a session I was doing,
working through all of this, that what
if the gift, what if the actual blessing
is not the audience or the impact?
What if my actual blessing I'm supposed
to perceive is fricking peace of mind?
From needing any of that, like
the actual, willingness to,
to, to not need any of that.
And how peaceful would that
feel to not measure anything?
I do and still have that like.
Not even make a dent in my value.
Like my value is just so immeasurable.
I'm not saying it the way it came through
in my own consciousness this morning,
but what if the gift is truly the peace
of mind from needing to measure anything
at all that can I live in that space?
Even then there's still this feeling of,
Ooh, if I could get to that level, then
I'll have all my blessings come through.
Then I'll have all my abundance, and
I'm like, okay, let's just sit with
the possibility that maybe, maybe
you're one of the people in this
world who are meant to see everyone
else, get these big audiences and see
this big growth, and you never do.
What if that is your soul's destiny?
And I immediately was like in
my, in my little prayer to the
creator this morning, I was like,
don't make me one of those people.
I don't wanna be one of those people
that seems like pain, like pain.
Having to just want something so
deeply and never see it realized.
So that's literally what I'm working
through right now, literally capturing
it, and I'm trying to just sit
with the discomfort of never being
recognized, never being recognized
at all, never having my work.
I'm gonna start crying, Ugh.
Why am I documenting this?
Because it's important.
Okay?
Hopefully.
Hopefully 83% of you have already left
the episode and there's only like.
Four people listening to this right now.
, And if you're one of those four,
you know exactly how this feels.
I su, I suspect that you've been in this
kind of position when you're truly gonna
allow yourself to set with, sit with the
possibility that maybe you don't get it.
Which kind of goes against what I
feel like at what I teach people,
which is always holding the certainty.
Kind of that certainty looks
different for different people
depending on their energetics.
In my case, being an open head and open
mind, like I am supposed to not even
worry about the doubts because I can
never eliminate doubts from showing up
into my personal little creator field.
I.
I'm open in both those areas, so I'm
always gonna be receiving doubts and
second guessing, and all of that just
comes with my particular energetics.
So any, I know that any attention
I focus on those doubts is
not feeding anything for me.
The certainty is that I get
to have what I get to have.
I just get to have it, and not
because I did anything for it.
And at the same time, you can't
just sit back and not do anything.
The action to do.
The thing truly has to come from
that spot and that place within you.
That is soul driven and that what
make, that's what that alone is.
What is gonna make it worthwhile?
Not any result that comes from that.
It is the doing of the thing from
the energy of pleasing your soul.
Of satisfying your soul, okay?
Getting emotional again.
And so I found myself like just
thinking back to being a child and
wanting so much the approval of my
family, of my parents in particular.
I was not a child who ever heard I
love you and I don't wanna say that.
I do not wanna make my parents sound bad.
They were ama they are, they
are amazing, amazing parents.
They.
Gave me safety and
security in, in many ways.
But I was also very much alone.
I was alone quite a lot as a child.
I was the child whose parents had to
be out, you know, out the door to work
at 6:00 AM before I was even really up.
And I would take myself to school and
I would come home to an empty house,
and I had just a lot of alone time.
, So.
I dunno why I went down that tangent.
I feel like I'm sharing
too much right now.
Real moment of vulnerability here.
So I found myself in many ways as a
child, thinking that I was a burden
to other people, that other people had
to take care of me, that I had to just
kind of look out for everything myself.
And, there were some other
things that went on that I,
that I won't get into, but.
That same feeling now of wanting the
creator, like wanting to do enough inner
work so that the creator says, oh, now
you have really stripped away all of
these things that are limiting you.
And so , now you are
really connected to me.
It's very hard for me to separate,
like not seeing the results.
With meaning that the creator
or God or the universe isn't
pleased with who I am or isn't yet
satisfied with what I have done.
And so it puts me in this mode
of wanting to do more like, okay,
I'm gonna double down on this.
I'm gonna focus all my energy.
It's part of the reason I started
this whole bet was like, okay,
I have been doing strategy,
strategy, strategy, strategy.
Let me just focus on the energy.
Let me do all the inner work.
Let me do all the spiritual shit.
thinking that that would then be
the thing to unlock everything else.
And this is the week I'm really
getting to a new level of, no,
there's nothing to earn here.
There's no amount.
There's plenty of people who do jack shit,
spiritual work, who have never had an
introspective thought in their life, are
wildly successful, and plenty of people
who spend their entire lives, I'm sure
they're out there devoted to the most
wholly of holy pursuits, like devoted
to improving the world and building,
building everyone up around them.
Maybe don't have.
Material success, financial
abundance, big audiences, big growth.
I'm sure there's examples on
both ends of the spectrum here.
So yeah, that really wasn't
the end of the sentence.
, I guess I'm at the end of what I know
to say about it because I'm trying
to just sit with the possibility.
That there was, oh, I know what I
was gonna say in my prayers to the
creator this week, I found myself
saying, it was so profound to me.
I said, can you please show me
what it would look like to receive
things just because you love me?
And I was like, wow, that feels
wrong to even ask for that.
To ask, to just be given things just to
show me that you love me unconditionally.
Like that's what I'm really asking for.
That's what my little
wounded heart is asking for.
Can you please show me that you just
love me unconditionally and that none
of this I'm actually doing really
matters to you because you already
love me unconditionally, and yet I
have these desires to do these things.
And so.
It's not that I have stopped doing that,
but to do it from a place of, there
is nothing that any of that could ever
give me or feed me or fulfill because
I'm already unconditionally loved.
That's what I'm actually searching for.
So it's like, if I could feel that,
that's what, what I'm pivoting my
focus to here, which is can you show
me what it would look like to receive.
I am a part of that universal
light out here in the world.
I am a part of that bigger spark
that is the basis of all things.
That means I have everything already.
So there you go.
I feel like major vulnerability
throw up right now, vulnerability,
hangover sharing all of this.
I also think I'm proud of myself
for being willing to capture this.
And again, there's like, well, yeah, this
is part of the work and am I doing this
because I think this work is necessary?
Kind of part of the reason I made
myself record this is because I thought,
you have to do something with this.
You've been given this awareness.
You have to do something with it,
or it will fade away from you.
So take it, build with it.
Use it.
Do something, document it,
activate it, put it into play.
But don't make it mean that because
you were brave enough to record this
episode, you were brave enough to share
your personal shit in a public forum.
That that now means the
floodgates are gonna open for you.
That is what I'm trying to
end the cycle of feeling.
Is that if I do this, this next
thing that automatically is going to
get me the results that I'm looking
for, I already have the results.
That's what I gotta plug my,
my little certainty into.
Okay.
That's what I got for you this week.
I'm gonna do zero editing on this one.
Let all my restarts shine on
through, and thank you as always.
As hard it is, as hard as it
is to share shit like this.
I'm also so comforted knowing that there
are people out there who are listening
because it makes me feel less alone.
I don't even talk about
this shit with Mike.
This is not.
A convo for Mike.
Mike is not at this level.
He's more at the, the
mental mindfuck loop level.
He's great for that.
But this soul seed injury level, you know,
this is, this is deeply personal shit.
So thank you for holding that and
being a part of it, and I'm sending
you so much love as you're all, I'm
sure going through your own journeys.
Like I'm so, so proud of you.
I have so much respect for you.
For showing up for your life and
deciding to live it and reveal the
light that is within you in this world.
So as always, go bet on yourself.